May 18, 2014

Home Is Where You Are

Matty and I spent our first three formative years of marriage in St. Louis, MO.  We owned a home on Dale Avenue there: a gingerbread, brick, 2/1 with wood floors, leaded windows, and a bathroom Matthew renovated to approximate my dream bathroom.  Good man.  We lived there as if it would be our spot forever: painted, fixed up, beautified, furnished.  That was where we brought Abby home. Where I once left the car in neutral and had the cops come tell us it was sitting in the middle of the street (oops). Where months after marrying, I opened the door to the basement (where the laundry was) and saw to my shock a naked Matthew walking down the stairs and had to remind myself that, OH yeah, I'm married! It's normal to see a naked man in my house.  Where we made best friends who are still best friends.  And then all of a sudden it was time to move.

Davis, CA. Grad school.  We made a new home in an apartment with linoleum floors and a patio Abby loved. The windows were unremarkable, and the kitchen and bathroom very very...adequate. We lived there, knowing we'd move on one day, and yet we painted, fixed up, beautified, furnished. We made that bland spot look like we lived there. And we did for 6 years.  Russell Park Apartments, where we brought Noah home. Where we once came home from Christmas break to find maintenance crews in our place repairing the bathroom after the upstairs tenants had overflowed the bath and the ceiling collapsed. Where we had families of bats living in the ceiling and families of mice visiting for scraps. Where a best friend moved in right across the way and we figured out that life is best spent sipping Rooibos tea, laughing, and watching our kids roll around on the floor.  (Same best friend rescued me a million times over those years). Where I got an MA, Matty got a PhD, and we got to ride bikes and drink coffee together and teach and laugh and grow up alongside our two beautiful children. Where I learned about anxiety. Where the work of school, life, and parenting looked very evenly distributed between Matty and me.  Where we dreamed of the life ahead and put push pins into a big map on the wall during interview season.  And then all of a sudden it was time to move.

Princeton, NJ.  We started out in a townhouse that most people might love--high ceilings open to the upper floor, but we are cozy people, Goldilocks-ish in our desire for the "just right".  We were there 6 months.  And then came the crazy wonderful ranch on Woodland Drive that the owner sold to our family (rejecting a significantly higher offer because she wanted us to live there).  She was elderly, and sadly she passed away a year after selling to us; but when she held my hand and looked me in the eyes at our last meeting, she said: "Enjoy your children in this house. Love them here."  And we did for two and a half years. In that favorite of the houses we've owned where Abby and Noah raced circles around the open floor plan past picture windows that watched seasons of blazing fall leaves and bitter cold snows and waves of new spring colour. Where Abby ran 5Ks.  Where I got to know the indomitable spirits of my neighbor Donna and my friend Sharri. Where we renovated the most awesome family room ever. Where Abby got Lyme. Where a big tree fell, missing the house just barely. Then another tree fell, missing our car only because we were foolishly driving in a snowstorm to pick up a sewing machine.  Where we made best friends who are still best friends. Where we helped build a church. Where I launched into the unknown of homeschooling, a mission trip to Haiti, and the rest of my life without my absolutely priceless grandmother.  Where Matthew figured out that litigation consulting just wasn't his best fit.  And then all of a sudden it was time to move.

Houston, TX.  I flew alone to Houston looking to find an apartment. I flew home having bought a house. By myself. We lived on Brighton Lane in a FOUR bedroom house (that's bigger than any house Matty or I had ever lived in). Texas sized, I guess, and 1/3 the cost of our Princeton house. This time Matty was traveling to distant lands while I painted, fixed up, beautified, furnished.  Well, he actually did significant work on lighting fixtures, ceiling fans, the garage and the bathrooms.  So handy, this one.  I spent the year peeling wallpaper from many walls (WHY do people put up hideous wallpaper!?!?!), patching and painting walls and trim. This big comfy house, with jet engine-powered air conditioning, where we hid out from the heat. Where we said good bye and welcomed Matty home over and over with signs hung in the windows and special dinners. Where Noah kindof did some kindergarten and Abby won her teachers' hearts. Where we never went to the pool because it was too hot.  Where Matty and I walked most nights around the wonderful Meadows Place lake--lap after lap--talking, dreaming, processing, sometimes crying, always sweating.  Where the lizards chirped all night and the queso called our names. Oh the queso! The Breakfast tacos! Where we had dinner with friends every Tuesday night (even when the hubbies were in Africa together). Where we heard the news of a dear friend and cousin's tragic death. Where we heard that Granddaddy died too. Where we heard Aunt Andi needed brain surgery. Where we made fast friends who loved us through fierce pain.  And then, after only one crazy year, all of a sudden it was time to move.

Berkeley, CA. We got here in August--quite late for the rental market in this area, which is notoriously hard.  We've lived this year in a 3/2 house on Los Angeles Ave. Up in the steep Berkeley hills. This not-our-own home, where we've welcomed new friends. Where the art hangs from picture rails instead of nails. Where we walk up craggy hills and steps in the chilly evenings. Where Matty commutes to San Francisco and the kids to their schools closer to home. Where Matty built a gorgeous mid century inspired walnut bed for us from a tree that fell on a friend's family land. Where that down comforter I almost tossed in Houston is a daily necessity.  Where we have the best produce to eat and buddies to share it with.  Where we wont be buying a home anytime soon, but we will find another rental one of these days.  This time, it feels like it is time to stay.

I've learned a lot about home through all of this. What it is, what it isn't, where it is, where it isn't. I've always been a person who longs for home, for security and for a quiet, safe spot to make lovely and to settle in. A place from which to enter into the wider world, and a place to which we return to refuel and reconnect every day.   But "Home" for me is not what I imagined it would be years ago, because it is now landless, placeless, less tethered to walls and floors, windows, and doors that are familiar and bear witness to the lives lived within.  It is increasingly simple. Home is where my loves are. Always right here, held in my heart, even when they fly to Africa or I fly to London, they to San Diego. Home is Matthew and Abby and Noah and me, a family knit together by the creator who welcomes us to be here for a time and then finally, really, fully to be HOME.

May 2, 2014

Selfie


Before the word "selfie" was even a word, I took this picture of me and Abby.

And it changed my life.

Four months earlier, Abby fell off of a chair in our living room.  It was her 2nd birthday and I had set out a folding chair, ignored the flash-thought that she might climb up and it could collapse, and was showing our student apartment to my mom and grandmother who were visiting for the big birthday.  And then I heard the sound of chair and precious little baby hitting the desperately hard linoleum-over-concrete floor. I ran to find Abby breathing in that long breath before the wail, but the wail did not come.  Her lips turned blue, teeth shuddered, eyes rolled back, and she fell limp in my arms.   "Oh God, No. No. My baby. Please breathe, please Abby, breathe."  The following scene was an absolute blur of handing Abby to Matthew, phoning paramedics, and running straight out the front door hearing the words, calm and slow, and in my own voice in my head: "so this is how my baby is going to die." And then this prayer, to God who was at the top of an impossibly high chasm, I at the bottom: "Lord, I know I cannot bargain with you for her life. But, Please Please do not take away my baby. Please let her live."

She did live. Thank you, Lord, for the the rest of my life, thank you.  But I had been so broken by the trauma of what was probably a handful of seconds that I experienced things I had never known before: panic attacks, anxiety, depression.  I wasn't hungry anymore. I couldn't sleep well. I cried a lot, especially in the mornings (because that was when Matthew would leave for class, and I would be alone with Abby again. Vulnerable, alone, afraid of something happening to her. Afraid of having a panic attack. Afraid of everything).  One morning as a panic attack began, I sat at our desk and prayed for God's help. "Where are you? I need you to show me that you hear me, that you are real."  And then from her bedroom, Abby sang out a song I'd never heard her sing and hadn't taught her, as far as I could recall: "Jesus loves me, this I know..."  I think God just answered me through her little voice.

And then four months after the fall, me weighing a scary 107 pounds, forcing myself to take Abby outside to play in the beautiful Davis sun, I took this picture of my darling girl hugging me, the smell of the geranium blooms in her hand, strong.  But I didn't feel the force of the moment until later, when I LOOKED at the picture.

Look at us! Look at HER! She is ALIVE!  We are alive, and look at us outside and smiling!

Oh, the recognition of life and the mirror held up in pixels that insisted on speaking louder than color and light to my soul:  your baby girl is alive today, and you are her momma, and you can live and breathe, right now.

That was the moment I woke up from a horrible, sleep walking nightmare.  Not the moment I was cured of panic or anxiety, no that is a longer walk. But it was the moment I was born into the rest of my life, raw and unprotected by the coping strategies, perfectionism, and too-safe version of reality I had known before.  And even though I thought I still needed all of that, it was crushed beyond repairing. I couldn't go back to the way life was before she fell, but I could go forward into the terrifying and beautiful world of the life ahead.

I had proof we were already living in that life.

I think this will be my favorite selfie ever.

April 24, 2014

Living

So after the "Uncertain" post I wrote, I've had a lot of opportunities to press in and experience big and small uncertainties with more curiosity and less need to know for sure how things would turn out.  I'm so grateful for the amazing and beautiful life I get to live. It's astounding.  Here are some highlights from the rest of February through today:

Ice skating with Abby

Finally got new shoes!

Went to the very edge of Golden Gate Park with the fam. Breathtaking! (See Matthew and Noah walking out there?)


 Racing Noah (he won).

Reuniting after ten years with my dear friend (and first college roomie back in the day), Jenny!

Teeter tottering with Abby. She left me hanging up there so she could get this picture.  

Matty and me in PARIS. Not kidding.

Matty and me in LONDON, my favorite city in the world so far, and this, my first time to Europe in my life!  Here we are in front of the Globe Theatre.  Oh yes, I geeked out. And Matty still loves me. He even took me to a Shakespeare play while in London. I feel SO SO SO LOVED.

Home again, and I was inspired to finish up this quilt made with Liberty of London fabrics. I started it when we lived in Princeton. Just needs some finishing touches now.

And these are only a handful of moments and images of two months spent living life to the fullest.  I got to see things I've studied for many years and longed to see in person, I got to snuggle my kids, and be reunited with them after over a week apart (a first), I got to be alone with Matthew for days and days and we got to find our way around London, Paris, and Dublin together.  Cappuccinos, laughs, white knuckles during (light) turbulence on (long) flights, dizzy jet-lagged days, going away and coming home.  All of it a gift. I actually thought to myself while we were in Europe that this was so amazing I wondered if it was too good to be true, like we'd crash on the way home (I worried we'd crash on the way there too, since even going seemed too good to be true, but we made it). The fear that latches on to every experience of excitement and joy is starting to be ripped away, proven false, emptied of its power.  No illusions of perfection or safety take its place, but rather healthier willingness to let the hard realities be what they are and live ANYWAY.  What a tremendous couple of months these have been.  More than I could have hoped or imagined.

February 13, 2014

Uncertain

So I took a quiz in a book called The Worry Cure, which I am reading for reasons that will become obvious shortly.  The scale measuring "Intolerance of Uncertainty" suggests that people scoring  below 40 points are rather tolerant of uncertainty; those scoring above 50 have "problems" with uncertainty; above 70 "suggests real problems handling uncertainty."

I scored 93.

I laugh-cried at the phrase on the next page, describing the anecdotal "Carl's" score of 108 as "an extraordinary level of intolerance of uncertainty" (Robert Leahy, PhD. The Worry Cure. 54-56).

It's a little bit funny to me to realize that I fall on an "extreme" end of any scale.  Extreme is not an adjective I'd ever use for myself, but rather would identify as private, loyal, deeply feeling, creative, loving, fearful, faithful, searching and a bit aimless when I don't have a clear goal or project.  But this quiz used phrases that I would say are very true of me:

Uncertainty stops me from having a firm opinion.
Uncertainty makes me uneasy, anxious, or stressed.
When it's time to act, uncertainty paralyzes me.
When I'm uncertain, I can't go forward.
When I'm uncertain, I can't function very well.
The smallest doubt stops me from acting.
Being uncertain means that I lack confidence.

Phew. This makes a lot of sense out of a lot of quirks about me.  Why I like sheet music when I play and a pattern when I sew, a recipe when I cook and a syllabus to follow.  It makes sense of why it is so hard to choose what to do when I have free time. Or to choose a pair of shoes to buy when my old ones are actually embarrassing my husband (sorry, love). Or to get a babysitter and go out.  Gulp, plan a vacation (or even plan to plan a vacation). Choose what to make for dinner. Decide to do the hard, vulnerable work of writing a dissertation I have no idea if I even want to finish.  A lot of these things, I realize, are luxuries. CHOICES are luxuries, in fact.  And yet, they are to me like a thousand burdens and weights to be hefted one way or the other. Yes or no? This way or that?

What all of this intolerance amounts to in my case is anxiety. And it hurts. It robs me of joy, purpose, and of the thrill of living life right here, right now, surrounded as I am by the most delightful and amazing people and gifts life can offer.  I've kept myself small, "lost much of my muchness," allowed only tiny swells of excitement before the rush of fears crowd out the voice trying to surface.  The ideas do come: I want to make that quilt, write that fiction piece,  call that friend, finish that chapter, paint, play, speak, work, help, live.  And then I opt instead to putter, do the dishes, drink a cup of coffee and run away from the dreams or hopes of the moment and stay "safe" and small.

So I'm writing this today in an effort to welcome the uncertain outcome of writing something like this publicly.  My idea in the shower this morning: write on my blog about my ridiculous score of 93 on that quiz and see what happens. The fears:  That's too personal, it's odd to share. Awkward, really.  And it might make others feel uncomfortable. But what if it speaks to just ONE other person who knows what this is like, who is a beautiful aching soul trapped by fear and doubt? What if it makes life better for even one person for one day, changes one moment of fear to one of freedom?  Then it's worth it.  And what if that person is me? Am I worth it?  Well, I'm uncertain, but I'm going to see.